rusty in the haystack

I wanted to show you more of Penang, but instead, I found myself going through some of this year's untouched photos; I've even forgotten about them.

It really sucks that I can't show you more. I wish to show you more, but I don't even know what to show anymore.

I used to be so excited about getting home and slotting my memory card in, doing all this.

What has changed?

What if I had put away a photograph that could have inspired someone else on the other side of the planet?

The rare times that I do take my camera out, I take photographs. And it stops there. It's like the first snow, a short-lived excitement that melts on the ground.

The needle has not been sought after for a long time.

firsts

This was the first time I spent so many summer days in Melbourne.



This was the first time I completely missed out on the chinese new year.

This was the first time I was absent for the reunion dinner.

This was the first time I got kicked by a cow.

This was the first time I had a cast.

This was the first time I swam in an in-room pool.

This was the first time I got seriously stolen from.

This was the first time I spoke to a detective.

This was the first time I experienced doing my own consult.

A lot of firsts for a month and nine days, and the list goes on. The photo was taken on the 15th and final day of the chinese new year, chap goh meh. The moon was as round as it was back home.

i long for better days

it's like playing Gran Turismo with the driver's seat view. It's like viewing one slide on a 12 slide page with the iPad. It's like being stuck at the Ashcombe maze. It's like being in a room of a 4-bedroom house, in a 9.3km square town, in a 227416 km square state, in a 7617930 km square nation, and so on.



The big picture is hard to see.



The radio station was taking callers:

"What would you do if you were given $30mil, and you need not work any more?"

I couldn't answer the question. As I sat in my little Hoover, switching on the headlights as it turned dark. What WOULD I do?

In all bluntness, it was a question I'm afraid to answer.

Everything now seems to be a blur. The childhood dream of better days are diluting, as each day goes through the titration of life, and neutrality is the new state of mind. You think you're gonna be, yet you are in the days of being.

So what now? A linked carriage, in a locomotion of conundrum. These few days have been more humbling than anything. Sitting there while the man in the tie writes every possible reason that could have led to your faux pas, when the knot on his tie isn't even triangle. Square, the shape was.

"..this is the most humble day of my life," ol' Rupert says. Success is frail, so where should I stand?

Is my cherubical drawing of a house going to have a chimney, or is it going to sit on where history once stood tall, exploited by the rich?

The could have's and what if's assume shelter once again, in the mesh of loose ends and intellect.



"Hello? I don't know. Put it in a bank and pretend nothing happened?"

3rd week. done.

One moment you're running up and down platforms wondering which train to take from Kowloon to get back to Tsim Sha Tsui with the craziest people ever, next thing you know, you're butt nekid in the hot springs of Wu Lai in Taiwan.



Before you know it, you find yourself digging up files from 2 summers ago, when you had the best time jammin' with buds at Akarkarya, sitting on a chair you think is bad for your back.

John Mayer's voice hits every wall in your new suburban room, and you wonder how you ended up here. You still press the 14th button when you go down to the city to see your girlfriend, and you forget that you're no longer the tiny gear you were in the big machine. No more sun-nappin at Carlton Gardens, no more weekday cafe spots.



Like being left with commercialised cafes that open on weekends is not bad enough (pretentious, I know), you find yourself stuck on the West Gate Bridge at 11.23pm, wondering why you have the wheel in your hands, and which continent you're in.

Another month and you're gonna be shaking with a pen in your hand, wondering whether the greyhound's dilated post-prandial lymphatics are physiological or pathological.

empty apartment

Before I knew it, the stillness of ruffled blankets and stacked up boxes kept me hypnotised. The sounds of the city, even of the breeze squeezing into the slit of my windows were suddenly amplified. It's true, appreciation comes from deprivation.

First it was you guys.



Then you.



Funny how life can phase itself at lightning speed. Keep me, Lord.

22nd year, 2:22am

I wonder what happened to my 21st year of life.

Sometimes I question myself if that was actually "making the most of it".

What would BE "making the most of it" then?



I spent this past year almost having no contact with the outside world. Well, at least not as much as I would have loved to, or have been used to. They always say it's just for a few years, and then you're off to do whatever you want.

But is that really the case?

And what's worse is that it's not gonna get any better the next 2 years. And I'm.. afraid.

I wonder sometimes if I've already missed the prime of my life. Or if this is it. Cuz if this is it, what would life down the road be like??

"Come on man, you're still young!"

Really? Pretty soon I'm gonna be 25 and start writing a post like this again.

I still feel like I'm 15. Sometimes I WISH I'm 15 again, where there were moments I can just sit down in front of the TV and just go like, ok... Homework's done. I'm now free.

And when you were free at 15 years of age, you were FREE. Literally carefree-kind-of-free. I miss those moments. Not a worry in the world.

From now till the end, I can't imagine myself in a stress-free moment ever again. That's frightening. I don't wanna grow old!

But, despite all the "premature" fear, I thank God for every single piece of experience I've had. Getting to know many people along my way, I've learnt that I had a pretty monotonous childhood, as compared to the car-vandalising, fire-setting, bone-breaking childhoods proudly accomplished by them. I still wouldn't give up mine for anyone else's. I'm glad my parents never gave me any of that gameboy mumbo jumbo. I was actually still climbing trees, chasing dogs and peeing in the bushes back in the day.

Back in the day.

I hate that we always look back longing to return.

It's not right, we need to be looking forward and making each minute count, and even better than the one before.



What confidence it is to take each step assured that it is the right one. What courage it is to leap blindfolded, undaunted. What valor it is to stand for what one believes in. What determination it is to run a race with perseverance, even when no-one runs alongside. What joy it is to stand on a soap box promulgating a regret-less life. What faith it is, to love someone unseen.

I want life from here on in - acclivitous. Yes, a new word I've learnt.

So right now, I shall take a big step. One that'll launch me into an astonishing future.

Imma clean my room.

sometimes we forget how to be kids

losing sand in my hourglass

"Suppressing inspiration

Numbing my imagination

To fill this broken cistern

Is always a part of the question"

there's still hope in the cbd

At times these nooks are so well hidden,
when discovered we long to share our newfound excitement;

Yet, like a kid hiding from the world in his closet,

it's my escape, and my little secret.

great. just great.

Sometimes, things happen all at once, and they always do at the worst of times. Your intentions were great, but the outcome wasn't.

Hate it when that happens.





These are film again. At a cafe in Launceston.

the great indoors

If my kids were to tell me, 'I wanna be a vet!', I may very well FORBID THEM. Okay, maybe just encourage them to reconsider.

I've never been so tough on myself before. I've never required so much discipline of myself ever in my life.

You know I love to be outside where the sun's pouring onto the city, casting its own artwork onto the busy streets as the shadows of the buildings fall in place. I love to be where the moonlight dimly illuminates the mysteries of this urban machine, as the headlights of the cars turn into beautiful bokeh through my viewfinder.

I love listening to the sweet jazz nectar that oozes into my ears as I walk on Little Collin's, getting my Miscella Italiana beans, as I look through the windows of those Paris-esque boutique cafes.

I love sipping a hot cuppa watching people in suits hustle by just to catch the very next sardine can home. I love watching Alicia doodle on my Moleskine while I steal a sip of her lemongrass tea, and Journal offers us 2 baguettes to bring home as they start flipping the chairs onto the table.

I love having nothing on the agenda, while we tuck our heads ala turtles into our thin jackets, complaining about the obvious temperature over and over like we didn't have a hypothalamus ourselves. I love late night grocery shopping, as we slide through the aisles wondering where each other are.

But now I'm stuck.



Indoors.

When uni's over, the shops are closed, the sun says its last goodbyes, and the books start calling out to you.

I constantly motivate myself with a reward at the end of the day, but slowly, those are to be taken away as the time is near. It's just not a life that I thought I would be able to handle, but it's happening. The constant self-punishments that go through my head as I let the hour hand spin by me without my knowledge. The thought of not doing enough, the worry of not getting there.

But I thank God for an amazing apartment that still amazes me 3 years in, a cozy room to hide from the world when it gets too cold. An amazing girlfriend that's a stone drop away. And lovely friends all around the building.



And I thank God for His constant presence throughout this place. If He's not in my room, I know I can knock on my neighbour's doors and He just might be with them.

It's bad, but when you get down to it, you realise the One in You is more than able. You end up getting closer to Him, and you come out a better man.

The great indoors.

layers

Watch 'em peel.

like a dream

And you wonder what happened to that simple blueprint, thinking it was all sorted out. A byway, no doubt, but subdued, graveled, perhaps. It has been through thorough scouting, that's for sure, but you suddenly realise they were all part of the elite.

Why, then, is the entity of me in this very driver's seat, steering my reality into something more of an illusion? Almost like one of those dreams you used to have as a kid, where you were behind the wheels at 10.

Consuming for the sake of consuming. Walking for the sake of walking.

It all felt like a dream. The byway, hazy. The very substance that made you evaporated into an unfamiliar realm, and nausea kicks in. You look at your fingers and ponder upon your empiricism, and contemplate on the possibility that maybe, just maybe, it was all an honest misjudgement.

365 days too late

The 7 hour lecture wasn't too bad this time, managed to stay awake and concentrate. Amazing what a good night's sleep does to you.



Nothing felt better than walking home on the wet pavement with Banana Pancakes playing in my ears, as I looked up Melbourne's grey sky this evening.

Final assignment, here we go. 4 more quizzes till the final showdown.

And you'd be like, you mean 10 in a semester, or a year?

as i walk

"We all want to stand out of the crowd, to be in the crowd."

-twofrontteeth, 2010

livin' in a good time

I was just thinking how lonely a life it would be without Facebook and Twiiter. For an international student, at least.

Yea yea, you use neither but you're fine, well you're a loner.

But think about it, with noone to share your thoughts and moods with, whether or not people actually read them, you just feel like there's someone out there.



I can't imagine the times when my dad used to study here in Melbourne, having had to write letters home and wait for days before you can read a reply.

Now, all you have to do is to update your status, and within less than 3 seconds someone comments.



Don't you feel blessed? Of all the eras to be born into, you lived to see the mobile phone and internet advance, 29" TV's reaching almost a metre thick to just merely 3cm now with gigantic LED TV's.

You got the chance to FLY when 100 years ago, it was never heard of. To be in a city as awesome as Melbourne, OMG so many things to be thankful for!

I feel extremely blessed to be alive. Just a thought.



Another reason to rejoice for being alive is that I managed a whole day without meat. I think it's my first time. I'm so hungry right now, after having salads, bread with olive oil, fried mushrooms and cheeses all day. They just DON'T FILL ME.

But I love the fact that I'm doing this for the big guy up there. The tougher the fast is, the more it reminds you of the reason behind it.



I'm preparing myself for a 7 hour prac tomorrow, and I just realised that there's no way a human being can prepare him/herself for something like that.



But let's hit the sack and get a fresh, early start tomorrow, shall we?

all